


a mess

by orphan_account



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Be nice to me, M/M, fake dating au, first fic!!, idk how to work this site, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-10
Updated: 2017-05-14
Packaged: 2018-10-17 02:49:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10584861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: a "connor lives au"where mrs murphy thinks he and evan were dating, instead of just friends.everything slowly spirals out of control.(or, its 2 am on a school night and i need something to do with my hands, and fake dating aus are my shit)[this is my first fanfiction since i was literally 7, please be nice lmao]





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi  
> my names anna this is my first fic in a while  
> please please please give feedback im so shy about sharing my writing ( i wrote for fun a lot as a child, but my older brother found out and tormented me relentlessly ) and man if this isnt recieved positively i might delete it lmfao i hate myself  
> please enjoy  
> updates will probably be sporadic - school is keeping me busy  
>   
> i write this on my phone  
> inspired by the fact that this one girl i hate writes really shitty fic and somehow gets a bunch of hits and kudos so uh sorry lmao sorry yikes  
> please love me

"Mrs. Brown, could Evan Hansen please report to the office?" a voice - the principal's - boomed over the loudspeaker, interrupting Evan's math class.  
Evan froze. Surely he couldn't have done anything wrong, however his nerves went into overdrive. All the other students stared at him, and the teacher as well.

Mrs. Brown stared at Evan, blinked slowly, and finally, after what seemed like years, proclaimed in a cheerier-than-needed voice, "Of course!"  
Evan slowly got up, flinching as his chair grated on the floor as he pushed it out. He swallowed thickly and quickly made his way to the doorway, as his classmates watched him go. Stumbling out, he rushed over to the office, wiping his hands on his palms every so often.

_What did I do I didn't do anything unless I did something and they found out oh God oh God, he thought to himself, slowly panicking.  
_

His old, worn out converse shoes were squeaking on the newly washed floors - the janitor probably did it after school yesterday.

He arrived at the office desk.

"Uh, h-hi. I'm Evan Hansen? T-they called me down."

She — Evan had never learned her name — looked at him from over her glasses, and he bounced on his heels anxiously and gripped the desk tighter.  
The secretary looked old, with her thin white hair being drawn up into a bun, and many wrinkles adorning her face. She sighed, got up, and walked around to the office door and opened it.

Evan walked in, fiddling with his cast and hunching over.

This was the first time Evan had been to the office — he had always tried to keep low and out of trouble, mostly because he didnt want to disappoint his mother.  
The walls were a dark, depressing blue and the carpet was brown. There was one clock, with the hour hand on the 9 and the minute hand on the 5. It was rather bare, save for the secretary's materials and a chair.

She led Evan down a hall, and the door at the end of the hall had a sign with words inscribed into it - PRINCIPAL  
Evan chewed on his bottom lip as the secretary opened the door, and then walked away, clearly expecting him to go in by himself.

So, albeit reluctantly, he did. He made sure to close the door behind him, his heart almost beating out of his chest as he could feel himself being stared at.

It was the principal, and two people — who seemed to be parents — he had never known before.

The principal smiled widely at Evan, gesturing to a seat near him.

"Evan! So nice of you to join us today. Here, have a seat!"

Evan sat down quickly, setting both of his arms in his lap, taking care not to hurt his broken one. The name on his cast — Connor — written in large, capital letters, seemed to almost taunt him now, after the boy yelled at him for the letter.  
He forced himself to make contact with the two adults sitting at the opposite side of the table, who looked somber.

In his peripheral vision, he noticed the principal nod to the woman, and she started to speak, a bit shakily.

"Evan, right?" she inquired. Evan nodded, laughing nervously. She smiled and continued, "So," she paused, then laughed bitterly. "I dont know how to say this." she took a deep breath.

"Evan, Connor tried to kill himself. A few days ago, actually."

Evan blinked, registering this in his mind. Connor Murphy — these must be his parents. So Connor tried to kill himself? Evan instantly felt bad. Maybe his note set him off.

"However," she went on, " he survived, luckily. And, well, we found this note in his sweatshirt pocket. It seems like its addressed to you."

She retrieved a folded up piece of paper from her pocketbook, and held it out to Evan.

As he held it in his hands — much like one would hold a delicate lily — he unfurled it carefully.  
On the inside was his note. Oh God. They thought the note Evan wrote to himself was Connors suicide note. Oh no.

"Were — were you and Connor...close?"

Evan was officially freaking the hell out. Not wanting to disappoint them, he spluttered out (under the scrutinizing gaze of the principal, which made his palms sweat) "Y-yeah! Yeah, we were, uh, really close."  
Connor's mother smiled. She looked to her husband, and took a deep breath.

The ticking of the clock on the wall intensified.

"Were you..." — Evan scratched at his cast, his heart skipping so many beats he could physically feel it hurting -  
— "...dating?" she asked kindly, no maliciousness in her eyes. The Murphy father stared Evan down.

 _I'm screwed._ Evan screamed in his head.

"Uhm..." Evan ducked his head and he could feel his face heating up. "Y-yeah..." he lied.

_What the fuck are you doing she will find out and then that entire family will hate you including Zoe - and Connor will be so mad and he'll kill you. Why did you do that?_

He never could say no.

The bell rang for next period, and Evan jolted a bit.

Mrs. and Mr. Murphy smiled, and Evan shifted uncomfortably under their shares gaze.

"Well, Connor will be ready for visitors in about 3 days, so how about you come 'round? Here, I'll write down the address."

She reached into her bag yet again, and Evan fiddled with the note. Out of her bag Connor's mother retrieved a notepad and a pen, and scribbled down an address. She ripped the page off, slid it over to Evan, and he picked it up, and shoved it into his pants pocket.

"So, uh, Mrs. Murphy-"

"Oh, please," she interrupted, "call me Cynthia!"

Evan chuckled nervously. "Of c-course. So, uh, in three days, when should I come by?"

Cynthia smiled. "Four p.m., if you can?"

Evan nodded, smiling. "Yeah. I c-can do that."

The principal, who had been watching the whole interaction with an observant eye, clapped his hands and stood up quickly.

"Well! I'm so glad that could be resolved quickly. Evan, you'd best be getting on your way to your next class. Mr. and Mrs. Murphy, you can go as well."

Evan, not sparing a glance behind him, hurried out of the office. He made sure to powerwalk back to Mrs. Brown's room, and grabbed his binders. She glanced up at him strangely — he had interrupted one of her classes.

"S-sorry," he choked out, and bolted for the door.

As he made his way to English, his next period, he wondered to himself.  
_What the hell have I gotten myself into?_


	2. yikes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they go to the hospital  
> evan freaks out a bit more

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i Promise theyll interact in the next chap lmfao sjdkfbsjdhdkdkc  
> im so sorry for the long wait lmao i was sick this week  
> and thank u all for ur kind words!!! i rlly rlly hope this doesnt dissapoint you  
> please enjoy!!!!!!!!  
> (also catch the obvious heathers ref ;))) )  
> [its midnight lmao fuck i spent so long writing/editing this but tell me if theres any glaring mistakes)

      When Evan got home (his mother wasnt there, working the late shift as always), he ran up to his room, dropped his backpack on the floor, and screamed into his down pillow.

      After he did that, he sat on his bed and contemplated changing his name and running away to Seattle.

      Though, he knew he wouldnt last a day and he couldnt leave his mom, so that option was out. 

     Normally, when faced with a taxing or stressful situation, he would talk to his friend, Jared.

     But he doubted Jared would let him off easily, and he didnt want to face the probably years of teasing. So, he just suffered in silence, dreading the day he would have to explain himself to Connor.

      Looking for something to do with his idle hands, he slowly got out of his position (lying on his stomach, face down into his pillow, wallowing in self pity) and opened up his backpack, looking to do his homework. He opened up his math binder, took out the sheet they were supposed to be working on, and grabbed a pencil.

      However, Evan's attention soon drifted away from his homework, and he sat there, thinking about how much he fucked up.  
It wasnt so much as Connor, now. He was so worried that he would disappoint Mr. and Mrs. Murphy, who both looked so happy that Connor had a (fake) boyfriend.  
And, of course, there was Zoe, who had seemed so nice (even though she had no idea who he was).  
Evan scratched at his cast and tried to stop thinking. He pulled his knees up to his chest.

     "Okay. Calm down. I need to do my h-homework." He mumbled to himself, pointedly ignoring the way he stuttered on the last word.  
Taking a (shaky) deep breath, Evan tried to focus on his math homework yet again.

     He checked his alarm clock - 3:30 p.m.  
_I wasted that much time freaking out?_ He thought.  
Determined to stay focused, he ended up finishing all of his homework in around an hour. He put it all back into his backpack and screamed into his pillow again - feeling terrible.  
W _hat the fuck do I have to do to get out of this,_ he thought, covering his face with his good hand. He groaned, feeling absolutely miserable.  
He dreaded Thursday.  
                           ~*~

      Evan knows what happens when you dread something (considering he dreads most things) - it comes quickly. And this Thursday was no exception.

     The days passed rapidly, and Evan desperately wanted time to stop. He would be in school, and the clock would seemingly rush ahead - everything was a blur. 

     So, when he got out of school Thursday, and arrived at home, he didnt even try to do his homework (he knew he wouldnt be able to focus - only thinking about how everythings so bad and how its going to become disastrous - and quickly)

     He left a note to his mother, telling her he was going over Jared's house for a while, as she didnt know anything about his dilemma. He put it on the fridge and started pacing subconsciously.

      Evan scratched at his cast yet again (he knew he shouldnt - it was such a bad habit.)

     The Murphy family would be coming to pick him up at 3, and now it was 2:30, so he decided to stop pacing and quickly jot down some half-assed homework answers. In the middle of a math problem, the doorbell rang. Startled, Evan accidentally pierced a hole in his paper. He got out of the chair at the kitchen table (wincing at how it scraped across the floors) and trotted over to the door, trying to mentally prepare himself for what was going to happen. 

     He opened the door (a bit shakily, and it took him a minute), and tried desperately to regulate his short breaths.  
Grinning a bit wonkily, he saw Mrs. and Mr. Murphy and Zoe staring back at him. 

     "Hi, Evan!" Mrs. Murphy exclaimed enthusiastically, while Mr. Murphy's smile looked strained and Zoe looked plain out bored.  
     "Uh, h-hi Mrs. Murphy," Evan said back, before realizing that she had wanted to call him Cynthia. Sheepishly, he quickly added, "Cynthia. S-sorry," not quite meeting her eyes.  
     "Its alright, Evan," she smiled again,       "why dont you come into the car? You can sit in the back with Zoe."

     The girl in question rolled her eyes a bit and mumbled something. Evan shuffled his feet. 

     "Well, come on now, we wouldn't want to keep Connor waiting!" the mother chirped, leading them all to their minivan. 

     Zoe made a point of getting into the car first, and Evan followed behind her, sitting in the backseat behind the shotgun. He buckled up, folded his hands in his lap and tried to feel welcome. 

      The car, obviously, was cleaned, however it seemed like the Murphy family could not keep up with the grime and dirt in their car. It wasnt terrible, but it wasnt pristine. The seats were uncomfortable and Mr. Murphy (whom he was sitting behind) was quite far back in his seat, so Evan had to bang his knees uncomfortably against the back. 

     He prayed desperately (even though hes never been that religious) that no one would talk and they could continue the 30 minute ride to the hospital in, albeit painfully awkward silence, silence. 

     However, the world loves to conspire against Evan Hansen and make him suffer. 

     So, this, of course, did not happen. 

     And instead, Cynthia asked "So, Evan, can you tell us more about how you and Connor got together?" which was an obvious try at breaking the awkward silence.  
     "O-oh! Uh, yeah. Um, I-I don't uh, really remember the details b-but yeah, uh," his mind scrambling, he looked at his cast and had an idea. A crazy, unbelievable idea, but it was all that he had right now. Continuing, he went on,      "Uh, we s-spent an afternoon in um, a field. And, uh - t-thats how I broke my arm b-because I fell out of um, a tree." 

     Cynthia hummed in contemplation. "Anything else?" she inquired. 

     Fuck, Evan screamed in his mind. Feeling like a caged bird (his heart definitely was acting like one) he stuttered out "Uh, n-no. It wasnt really t-that eventful," he chuckled nervously. 

     Zoe pulled her gaze from the window and said, "Mom, stop, youre making him uncomfortable,"  
(Evan was secretly extremely grateful for that, although embarrassed that his discomfort was that obvious.)

      They sat in silence for the rest of the ride, the radio turned to some popular pop station. Evan kept shuffling his feet and picking at his cast (he didn't know what was worse - the discomfort of the actual cast, or the discomfort of having Connor's name on it.). 

      Finally, after what seemed like an interminable amount of time, the car pulled into the hospital's parking lot. Cynthia announced their arrival unnecessarily and they found a space to park. They all got out of the car, Evan feeling slightly more panicked now that the reality of the situation was slowly setting in. He hugged his arms to himself and tried to stay positive. 

     They entered inside. 

     Evan had never liked hospitals, and the circumstances he was in did nothing to quell that fear. Mr. Murphy went up to the front desk, got Connor's room number and a nurse escorted them down a hall, Cynthia making small talk with him all the way. Evan's shoes kept squeaking against the recently washed floors, and Zoe just looked like she didnt want to be there. 

     The nurse opened a door - room 45, it said - and the Murphy family went through it, Evan following them. In the medical bed was Connor.  
There was a large purple bruise in the shape of a ring going around the circumference of his neck. There were prominent bags under his eyes - well, more prominent than before - and he was not making much movement. His hair was unkempt and all over the place, and he was watching his family with a dull look in his eyes. 

     He saw Evan and his eyes narrowed in confusion. 

      Mr. Murphy let out a sigh, and Evan saw him looking upon his son with - compassion? no - pity.

      Cynthia, oblivious, looked to Evan, and whispered, "Now, I'm going to let you two have some alone time, okay? We'll be right outside." 

      Evan nodded, still hugging his arms to himself uncomfortably. 

    The Murphys left.  
It was just Evan.  
And Connor.  
Fuck.


	3. who knows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan Hansen is in a hospital room with Connor Murphy. The same boy who shoved him over. The same boy who threw a printer in second grade - at the teacher, nonetheless. The same boy who everyone thought would shoot up the school one day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi im sorry for the long wait i was so busy over the vacation  
> i rewrote this sm times aaa  
> ALSO I SAW DEH ON FRIDAY IT WAS AAMAZING I CRIED  
> \+ thanks for 100+ kudos!!! wow thats. A Lot.  
> please enjoyyyyyyy

     Evan Hansen is in a hospital room with Connor Murphy. The same boy who shoved him over. The same boy who threw a printer in second grade - at the teacher, nonetheless. The same boy who everyone thought would shoot up the school one day.  
     Connor quirked an eyebrow, and Evan hunched in on himself, glancing down at his feet.  
     "What the fuck was that about?" Connor asked bluntly, and Evan quickly tore his gaze from his feet and looked up at Connor.  
     "O-oh! Uh, um -", he faltered, wondering if he should tell the truth. It was better to get it out as soon as possible, he thought. So he continued.      "Uh...Imayhaveliedaboutbeingyourboyfriendandnowyourmotherthinkswe'redatingI'msosorrydontbemadplease,"  he spluttered out, tripping over his words as Evan tried to get them out quickly.  
      Connor narrowed his eyes, looking confused.  
     "Mind saying that again?" he croaked out, "and aren't you that kid - Evan? With the letter?"  
     (Slowly, Evan realized that the ring around his neck must be from a noose, and that was why Connor had trouble speaking, and he felt terrible. Though, Connor probably didn't want any pity, so he decided to shove those feelings away.)  
     "Y-yeah!" Evan replied, blushing, "and, u-um," his voice cracked unattractively, "I may or may not have lied about, uh, b-being your boyfriend? Because your mother asked me about it and I didn't say no I said yes and I dont know why I said yes Im so sorry -"  
     "Oh my fucking God," Connor interrupted eloquently, still a bit quiet , "you did what?"  
     "Im - Im sorry!" Evan squeaked, eyes widening, "b-but I didnt know what else to say or to do..." he trailed off.  
     Connor sighed, and a lock of his brown hair fell into his eyes, and he brushed it away quickly.  
     "Well, I guess we'll have to play into every fucking romcom cliché and fake it," he snapped (with some of the effect lost, as his voice cracked). Evan flinched, and apologized.  
     "You say sorry a lot," Connor observed, and sighed yet again, adjusting his position. "Anyways! I guess we are now forced to get to know each other. So, how do you think we should go about this faking thing? And why the fuck did you think it was a good idea?"  
     Evan looked around (mostly to make sure Cynthia wasn't about to burst into the room, saying that she caught them in the act) and scratched his neck.  
      "Uh, w-well I dont really know, um, I guess we just act as a couple until we c-can? Break up? Uh, which should be in maybe, I dont know, three to four months? And um, I didnt think there was any other w-way? I panicked."  
    "Yeah, but we're going to have to do all the fucking couple-y shit every couple does. And we have to make it seem like we were friends before all this shit happened. God, I cant fucking believe you."  
     "I-Im sorry! Im sorry," Evan spluttered out yet again, picking at his cast and not meeting Connor's eyes.     God, he was really digging his own grave here.  
     Connor rolled his eyes and put his head in his hands, seemingly exasperated.  
     "Okay, so for a few months we have to act like we are infatuated with each other and fool my parents and yours as well. And then we have to-" Connor was interrupted as there was a knock on the door.  
     "Boys? Can I come in?" It was Cynthia's voice.  
     "Shit! That's my mom. Come over here. Act like we were just talking, or whatever." Connor whispered, watching the door frantically.  
     Evan obeyed swiftly and sat down next to Connor on the hospital bed, and Connor grabbed his hand (and wow, even though it was chipped he certainly knew how to apply nail polish) and said, "Start talking!" whilst still looking at the door.  
     "Yeah, mom, you can come in," Connor said, adopting a bored tone.  
     Evan's mind went blank, and Connor was looking at him angrily.  
Trees. He could talk about trees.  
     "Um, personally my favorite type of tree is the sequoia, because they can actually live up to around 3,000 years, which is really fascinating, and they have the thickest bark out of any tree -"  
     Cynthia walked in, beaming, "I hope I didn't interrupt anything!" she said, and grinned even more when she saw their clasped hands.  
     (She didn't. She, in Evan's opinion, actually saved him, because his hand was getting really sweaty and he hoped Connor hadn't noticed)  
     "Mom," Connor groaned weakly.  
     "Of course! Anyways, I just wanted to tell you boys that we're going to go to the food court and get some snacks, so we'll bring back something for you two. Anything specific that you want?" she said.  
     "Uh, n-nothing specific from me, thank you," Evan murmured.  
Out of the corner of his eye, he watched Connor. The boy in question sighed, and said bitterly, "I'd like to get out of this fucking place," looking at the bedsheets of the bed he was confined to.  
      "Connor," his mother reprimanded.  
      "Its true," he muttered. Evan watched the exchange worriedly.  
      Cynthia looked back at Evan, and said, "Well, I'll be back with water and some snacks in a bit, okay?"  
      "Okay, t-thank you," Evan replied, staring hard at his cast.  
      The woman left, and then it was just Evan and Connor in the room, like before. Connor groaned. "I fucking hate hospitals. They dont even treat me like a fucking human. Like, sure, I tried to kill myself, but that doesnt mean I'm going to kill someone else!" He let go of Evan's hand and flung both of his arms up into the air and sighed, laying back down.  
      Evan tilted his head, but decided to stay silent.  
     He looked over at Connor, whos eyes were closed. His hair was in his face, and his hands were clasped onto his chest, as ones body would be arranged when they were being laid down to rest.  
      Evan looked away quickly.  
     "So, u-uh, now that we're, um, fake dating - do you want to like, I dont know, get to know each other more? Maybe?" Evan said after a few moments of quiet.  
      "Fine." Connor said. Evan couldn't see his eyes, but he bet if he could Connor would be rolling them.   "What's your favorite color?"  
      "I like green," Evan said softly.  
      "Oh. I like red," Connor proclaimed, his sore throat cracking yet again.  
      "Uh, whats your favorite movie?" Evan inquired.  
     "I like any of the Star Wars movies," Connor said after a bit of contemplation.  
     "I like Alien," Evan replied immediately, swinging his legs gently.  
     However, their questions were stopped as Connor's mother opened the door (without warning, this time) carrying a tray of assorted cafeteria foods.  
     Connor swiftly grabbed Evan's hand again and sat up in the bed, looking at his mother (she hadnt noticed Connor grabbing Evan's hand frantically, and Evan thanked any god he could think of.)  
     Cynthia smiled at the two, walked around to the other side of Connor's bed, and placed the tray onto her son's legs.  
    The tray had two bags of chips, two plastic cups, two sandwiches, and one plastic bottle of water.  
Evan, deciding not to strain his neck looking over his shoulder, turned around and sat so he was facing the tray, though he still tried not to touch Connor's legs (even though Connor seemed "nice", he still had a vibe that he could snap at any moment and Evan did not want Connor angry with him, especially under these circumstances). He tentatively reached for Connor's hand again (for the act, of course).  
Cynthia smiled (she sure did a lot of that) and walked back over to the door, her shoes making a clicking noise as she walked.  
     "Well, I'll leave you to back to your talking, okay? Just come get me if you need anything - I'm eating in the caf." And with that, she left.  
     Connor scowled again, and flopped back onto his pillow, letting go of Evan's hand yet again; They seemed to be doing a lot of hand holding, then quickly letting go.  
     "I fucking hate everything. I'm so angry. Its been, what, an hour since you told me you fucking lied about dating me? This is terrible," he said, groaning.  
     Evan looked down at the tray, and moved so he was sitting cross-legged, and apologized yet again.  
    "Whatever," was Connor's bored response.  
    Evan did not feel chipper at all. He was basically fucking his own life over, and it was all because of a stupid thing his therapist wanted him to do. And he knew that soon, Connor would come to absolutely loathe him and just ruin his life. Like most of the people he got close to did.  
     Evan picked at his striped shirt, his mind wandering off. Unbeknownst to him, Connor asked him a question. However, Evan didnt pay attention to him, staring blankly at the tray of food.  
     "Evan! Evan! Hey!" Connor shouted angrily, though his voice was still very weak. Evan jolted, and almost knocked the tray off of Connor's legs, but Connor stabilized it.  
Connor rolled his eyes.  
     "Are you even hungry?" he asked, staring at Evan.  
     "Um, I dont really know," Evan muttered, still picking at his shirt.  
     An audible pause occurred.  
     "...You don't know if youre hungry?"  
      Evan ducked his head, blushing.  
     Connor sighed, and picked up one of the sandwiches, beginning to eat it. Evan followed suit and selected the remaining one. It was a basic ham sandwich with lettuce for both of them, on white bread.  
     Evan nibbled on his, not really feeling up to eating with the turmoil that he had to go through the past few days. Connor finished his first, as Evan predicted. Evan continued to take small bites, not really hungry but not wanting to be impolite and waste Cynthia's money.  
      Connor watched him do this, and asked, "Do your parents even know you're here?"  
      "Uh, yeah, of course. Actually wait they dont I dont know why I said that Im so sorry that was so dumb -" Evan cut himself off before he could embarrass himself any more.  
      "...So they don't?"  
     "No, I told my mother I was over my fr- family friend's house."  
     "Ah. Of course," Connor said sarcastically. "Are your parents homophobic?" He asked suddenly.  
     Evan choked on his sandwich. Connor patted him on the back with lackluster energy. After Evan recovered, he said, "Uh, well, I d- I don't really know? It's never really, uh, come up, but my mom's pretty nice, so, uh, yeah."  
      Connor made a noise of disinterest, evidently not really invested in the topic at the moment.  
      "So, once I get out of this fuckin' shithole you bring me 'round to your house 'n' be like, 'Hey, parents, this is my boyfriend who I've never told you about! Please accept me. Oh, and we've been dating for a few months,' and then three months later be like 'Oh wow, we broke up! My heart! Oh no! My Romeo - he took everything I have and threw it away!'?" Connor snarked, reaching for the water bottle and uncapping it.  
      Evan watched Connor drink (from the bottle, there were cups literally right there, oh my God -) and nodded, still embarrassed.  
     Well, he thought, at least Connor hadnt killed him. Though, of course there was the near future.  
     Another knock on the door. It was Cynthia again - she probably didn't want Connor to be too unsupervised.  
Evan busied himself with his sandwich so he wouldnt have to hold Connor's hand again - his hands were probably too sweaty anyways, and then Connor would probably tell everyone and ruin his life. Or something of that sort.  
      Cynthia opened the door, and it let out a creak.  
     "Evan, visitor hours are almost over - would you like me to drive you home?" she said.  
    "O-oh! Um, yeah, that would be nice," Evan said, scrambling off of the uncomfortably stiff hospital bed.  
     "Uh, b-bye Connor," Evan said awkwardly, waving once he was near the doorway.  
     "Bye, Evan," Connor said back to him, voice breaking a bit.  
    Cynthia smiled thinly, and lead Evan back outside. They met up with Zoe and Connor's father a few feet down the hall (Zoe looks bored out of her mind and Connor's dad has an exact copy of her expression). Cynthia checks out with the receptionist and they walk back out to the car, the sun now almost setting and the temperature dropping. Zoe and Evan got into the backseats and the Murphy parents got into the front, with Cynthia.  
     "Evan, honey, what's your address?" Cynthia asked, pulling out of the hospital parking lot. Evan told her, reciting it from memory. It was a ways away, so the car ride was spent in awkward silence, Evan staring out of the window.  
      He asked Cynthia not to pull into the driveway (secretly hoping his mother was at classes, lest he had to explain why he was "over at Jared's" for so long.  
Evan got out of the car, thanking Cynthia for driving him and running towards the front door of his house. He pulled the house keys out of his pants pocket, unlocked it, and rushed inside.  
      And... his mother was there. Shit. She was standing near the kitchen table, and looked suspicious. Evan hunched over and picked at his shirt.  
     "Uh, hey mom!" He greeted her, in a desperate attempt to be nonchalant.  
     "Hello, Evan. That wasn't Jared's mom's car," she said, quirking an eyebrow.  
     "Uh - well," He stumbled over his words, mind grasping for an explanation.  
      "Evan, I'm your mother. You don't have to lie to me," she said, walking closer to her anxious son.  
      "Um, I may or not have a boyfriend now and you haven't met him?" he chuckled nervously, speaking rapidly and not meeting her eyes.  
     "Well. That's a shocker. Why didn't you tell me?" she said, definitely surprised but trying to be supportive.  
      Evan felt terrible. Here he was, lying to his mother and taking advantage of her kindness. Sure, it was the only real option, but Evan felt horrible.  
     "I - uh, didn't think you'd, um accept me! I was really, uh nervous," he stuttered, picking at his cast.  
     "Oh, honey, I'd always accept you," his mom said, pulling him in for a hug.  
     "M-mom! Ow! My arm!"  
      "Oh, sorry honey," she said, laughing slightly and pulling away, "do you want some hot chocolate?"  
     "Y-yeah, that'd be nice, thanks mom," he said, glad the topic had changed  
     As Evan's mother walked away to the cabinet where they store the hot chocolate mix, Evan contemplated how fucked he was.  
     Either his mother/Connor's parents/literally everyone found out that they were faking it, and it ruined his reputation, or he was doomed to a life of kissing Connor Murphy.  
     I mean, one is obviously worse than the other, said a demonic little voice in the back of Evan's head. He ignored it.  
    The hot chocolate didn't make him feel any better


	4. I Asked God For Motivation And He Denied Me It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yikes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this SUCKS okay im so sorry,,,,,,,,  
> ive had a ton of shit go down in my life -- my godmother died in april and lately i havent had much energy at all ( depression is a BITCH )  
> im so sorry for the long wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! agh   
> this fic will not be abandoned tho, so dw  
> thank u for all ur lovely comments  
> also i based jared's mannerisms off of my own :^)  
> um pls dont hate me if this is absolute shit hahahahaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa its so short too god

  Evan did not want to go to school on Friday. Well, he didn't want to go to school at all anymore (he never particularly liked school - at all, in fact - but now under his… circumstances, it would be hell), but he thought about it lying in bed for fifteen minutes before his alarm rang and concluded that if he didn't go to school he would fail all of his classes and then he would have to either make up a year or go to summer school and his mother wouldn't be able to afford that and then she would resent him and then he’d probably have to kill himself. 

    Or something like that. Nowadays, most of his problems that he thought about had one solution: suicide. Which he would never dare to tell his therapist about.

    But Evan had responsibilities, so he got up, showered, changed, brushed his teeth,  _ contemplated death because holy shit he was fucked, _ and got his backpack. 

    His mother was also getting ready to go to work, so he kissed her on the cheek, bid her goodbye and rushed off to the bus. 

     Evan said a quiet hello to the busdriver (he still didn't know her name, but it was always good to be polite) and sat in the front, as the rowdiest kids were usually in the back. He played with his shirt for the entire fifteen minute busride, pressing his head against the seat in front of him and staring at his converse. 

    When the bus arrived at school, he was the first one to get off. Evan rushed to his locker and then to his homeroom, trying to avoid eye contact with anyone around him, just desperate to make it through the day. When the bell rang for first period, he hurried to his first period class, math. He didn’t answer any questions (though, he never usually did; he was grateful for that, so his newfound silence didn’t seem too suspicious) and did his work diligently. 

    He repeated this process carefully until lunch, to which he arrived early, and he sat down in the farthest table from the door (alone) and tried to quash the sickening feeling in his stomach so he could eat. 

    Evan’s plan to (maybe) sit in relative silence was ruined when Jared sat down next to him, seemingly full of energy despite Evan’s draining day. 

    “Hi, Jared,” Evan mumbled, not meeting his eye.

    “So, what has tree boy been up to?”

     Evan rolled his eyes, but answered the question. 

     “F-fucking up my l-life,” Evan stuttered. 

      Jared snorted, and - seemingly trying to take up all the space on the bench - stretched his arm out. 

      “Elaborate, please,” he said, looking over his glasses at Evan. 

_ Should I lie or should I just tell him the truth if I lie he’ll probably know and then tell everyone that I’m a liar and it’ll ruin my reputation but if I tell the truth Jared will tell everyone and everyone will hate me and then I’ll have to run away and change my name but then what if someone from my school finds me and — _

__ “Hey! Hey! Evan!” Evan was (dimly) aware of Jared waving a hand in front of his face, and started. 

    “Uh, I’ll t-text you about it, t-today,” Evan stammered, wringing his hands. 

     Jared quirked an eyebrow. 

     “Oka _ y, _ ” he said, dragging out the y, “any other news?”

     Evan shook his head, staring at the lunch table. 

     Jared rolled his eyes, and let out a dramatic sigh.

     However, he didn’t bother Evan about it, so he was grateful. But, that didn't stop Alana Beck from sauntering up to Evan and proclaiming (quite emotionally), “Evan! I just heard about your boyfriend! I’m so terribly sorry. If you ever need to talk, DM me on twitter!”

     Evan’s eyes went wide and he looked at her in shock. He wondered for a split second how Alana had found out, but he reasoned that Alana knew everything. Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted Jared turning red and looking like he was desperately trying not to laugh. Evan blushed and looked down. 

     “Uh,” he said (his voice cracking unattractively), “t-t-thank you, I’ll um, be sure to do that if I need to, but I probably wont, s-sorry.”

     Alana nodded her head energetically. “It’s alright! When you want to talk, either call me or DM me! I’m always available.”

     And with that, she walked away, leaving an embarrassed Evan and a hysterical Jared. Jared started cackling. 

    “Oh my  _ fucking _ God, who the  _ shit _ is your new ‘boyfriend’?” Jared cackled. 

     “S-shut up!” Evan whisper-shouted.

     “ _ Who?” _

     “I-I’m not telling you! I-its not even real, anyways,” Evan muttered the last part, but Jared heard it anyways.

     “What do you mean? And who is it?”

     “I-it’s fake, okay? And lower your voice!”

      “So like, you’re just pretending? And I’m not gonna stop bothering you unless you tell me who it is,”

     “Y-yes! And I’ll text you it t-today.”

     “Why? Is it too embarrassing? Who is Evvy-poo giving his affections to?”

     “ _ Yes _ , it is embarrassing!” Evan looked around frantically, trying to make sure no one could hear his and Jared’s conversation, for he dreaded what it could be taken for out of context; Or worse: they could realize what it meant and tell everyone how Evan was a lying bitch. Something like that.

      “Al _ right _ , but if you don’t send me it after school I’ll be fuckin’ pissed,” Jared said, rolling his eyes. Again. Evan wondered if it was just something Jared did, or Jared was just  _ that _ tired of Evan. Probably the latter.

       The bell rang for the next period, and Evan realized that he hadn’t had more than four bites of his food. Whatever - he hadn’t had much of an appetite anyways.

     So, he threw away his lunch and picked up his binder, hurrying to the next period - Social Studies. 

     The rest of the day passed uneventfully, but Evan was more on edge than before, waiting for someone to strolling up to him - just like Alana had - and expressing their “sympathies”.

     As usual, Evan rushed out of school when the last period had ended. He was always one of the first people to the bus, but today he made sure he was  _ the  _ first to his bus, so no one could stop and notice him. He said hello to the busdriver again, but more quietly than before.

    He stared out of the window at the rainy sky, and thought - rather sadly - that it reflected his mood quite well.

    After the bus dropped him off at home, he rushed to his room, neglecting to check if his mother had left any money for ordering pizza. But Evan didn’t  _ like _ ordering pizza, because what if the pizza delivery guy was someone from his school plus he had to make awkward eye contact and he had to wait as they counted out the change and -

    He stopped himself. Evan sat on his bed, and unlocked his laptop. He wanted to sleep, but he knew that Jared would probably literally come over to his house and bug him until Evan told him who his “boyfriend” was. 

    So, he opened up twitter, and pondered for a few minutes on how to word it. After a few moments, he decided to just cut to the chase.

_ It’s Connor Murphy. _

     3 minutes later - a response.

_ what hte fuck?? that bitch? evan honey i knew u were desperate but this is too far even for u lmao _

     Evan skimmed the message quickly, and typed out a response.

_ No! It’s just that his mother asked me if we were dating and I didn't want to lie to her - she had almost lost her son, I wasnt about to be like “No, he had no friends” _

_....but he didn't lmfao  _

_      I know! I didn't want to tell them that! Who wants to hear that about their son??? _

__ _ okay fine ur right but wtf r u planning to tell connor when hes out of the hospital??  _

_      I already told him, when his mother made me visit him. He reacted as you’d expect. _

__ _ cool have u guys had sex yet _

_      Shut up. _

__ _ FINE lmao ok calm down _

_      I’ll talk to you on Monday. I need to do my homework. _

__ _ K _

     Evan shut down his laptop and moved it to the foot of his bed, heaving a great sigh. He actually didn’t feel like doing his homework at all, and instead just wanted to curl up into a ball and die. 

     He wondered how long he’d have to keep this up.

__


End file.
